huan's blog - steps toward heaven: February 2005

When All Around Has Fallen
-Delirious

When all around has fallen your castle has been burned
You used to be a king here now no one knows your name
You live your life for honour, defender of the faith
But you've been crushed to pieces and no one knows your pain

Come, come lay your weary head be still my friend
Come, rise I'll place my sword upon your shoulder
Come, rise with me

When tomorrow has been stolen and you can't lift your head
And summer feels like winter your heart is full of stone
Though all your hopes have fallen your skin is now your only armour
Wear your scars like medals defender of the faith

Come, come lay your weary head be still my friend
Come, rise I'll place my sword upon your shoulder
Come, come lay your faithful head, be still my friend
Come rise with me

Last weekend I went home to Houston, I went to see a family friend, her mother is an attorney, a divorce attorney. I asked her about how she is doing, how is work, she told me about her recent client, a aerospace engineer at Clear Lake area, his wife left him after twenty year of marriage, and went to be with her ex boyfriend from high school, she wants the house, and she wants to take the children to Michigan to be with her and her boyfriend. I was so sadden by it, my heart filled with sorrow. The divorce attorney then told me that average marriage in America lasts 8 years, 51% of marriage ends up in divorce. My heart felt a sharp pain.

I started to reflect on my own life, I feel like when I first become a Christian I realized that if I want to follow God, if I want to be used by God, I must be pure and be holy for him. And I want to be man of God, I want to make a difference in this world for God, I want used by God to do powerful things. So when other girls temp me, I tell them don’t touch me like that, don’t talk to me like that, I am weak, I am just easily tempted. I must flee from temptation.

Its like I want a lighthouse high up there in the mountains, with solid rock as its foundation, so that when rain comes, wind blows my house is not going to be washed away. But to build a lighthouse high up in the mountains takes time, take time to pick choice timber, take time to get the timber up there, take time to find skilled labor, skilled labor take time to make sure house is build perfectly. But sometimes when the house is halfway done, I start to get impatient with the builder, maybe I don’t really want a lighthouse up high in mountains, maybe I just want a little shack on the beach, I can have it tonight, it can provide a cover for me, for a short while, but when rain comes it will be washed away, when wind blows it will be blown down. Do I really want that?

When the lighthouse is build, it is great, but sometimes on a cold cloudy and rainy day, it feels so cold and dark in my little light house, I want a bright fire in my lighthouse, so that it can provide warmth for me, provide light for me, and even direction for the lost ships in the distance. But it takes time to find choice log, that will have a lasting flame, it take time to build a fire place, so it will not burn down the house, and it takes time to build a chimney, so I will not be choked by its smoke, and my walls be scorched black by its smoke. But sometimes on that cold cloudy and rainy day I get impatient with the builder, I just want go out and grab bunch of old new papers, some twigs and set up a little fire in my living room, so I can get light, warmth, right away, I don’t have to wait any longer in this nasty weather. And what happens, the newspaper and twigs burns brightly with big flames, it provides all I need for a moment, then it dies, and in the process, it produces big black smoke, I can’t breath I can’t see through it, and my walls are scorched black by the hot flame and smoke. I wonder to myself, why be it is like this, it suppose to provide comfort and warmth. Thankfully the faithful builder comes in, he tells me to put out the fire, to open my window, so the chocking smoke can be released, and he then comes in and paints my wall white as snow again. Thankfully the little fire I build didn’t burn down the house, but it was so close, the faithful builder came in at the just right timing. That was my story with my ex-girl friend. And thank God that He intervened.

I always thought that I will meet my wife in the university, now with only a few weeks left at UT, I am here alone by myself, I often think to myself, when are you going to provide for me God, maybe I need go and talk to that cute girl from my government class, she look nice, she seems nice. Maybe I can’t trust in the master of the universe. Maybe I just want to be like everybody else on February 14. But everybody else’s marriage last 8 years, and half of everybody else’s marriage ends in divorce, its just like that fire with old newspaper and twigs, it burns brightly for a moment and it dies, when it does it burns the whole house down with it, and it left people blinded and choked with its smoke.

Every decision we make has consequences, my life is the consequences of decision my parents made, I don’t want my kids to experience how my father treated me. Then I must make the right decision, and the right decision is not easy, it is painful at times, it hurts. But I have the choice. I must make the right choice, even if it hurts.

Better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
the LORD bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
from those whose walk is blameless.

O LORD Almighty,
blessed is the man who trusts in you.

Psalm 84:10-12